a modest proposal

I am officially throwing my hat in the ring - or, having drank my aging potion, dropping my name in the goblet of fire - as a candidate to be the next coach of the Denver Broncos.

Yes, I am nominating myself, with my zero years of NFL experiences, my zero years of football experience, and my two years of coaching experience - helping to coach my younger sister's rec soccer team when I was about 12, and co-coaching a 9th grade boys basketball team six years ago - as a candidate to fill the position vacated by Josh McDaniels' firing at the end of the season.

I urge Pat Bowlen to hire me based on my potential to a successful NFL coach, as displayed in Madden video games. I've dominated my friends in Madden for years. In the early 2000s, I built a dynasty from the St. Louis Rams the likes of which the NFL has never seen. In the most recent installment of the video game, I guided the 2010 Denver Broncos to a Super Bowl victory over the New Orleans Saints. And now fully installed as the team's starting quarterback in the 2011 season, Tim Tebow is a runaway MVP candidate for a 14-1 Broncos squad.

And not only am I an outstanding X and O's coach, but I am a highly skilled personnel tactician. I regularly accumulate the Madden maximum 10 draft picks a season, and know the secret to re-signing my would-be high-priced free agents for pennies-on-the-dollar. And I use a hyphen like no other!

I'm good in the team meetings, I'm good on the practice field, I'm good on the sidelines, I'm good in the locker room and I'm good at the post-game presser. You want me wearing that headset! You need me wearing that headset! You want the truth! Those other NFL teams - THEY CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!

Ok in all seriousness I am not going to be the next head coach of the Denver Broncos and I have no idea who is - there will surely be much speculation surrounding today's news that Urban Meyer is leaving Florida, but I doubt it will be him. But I agree with NFL Network's Mike Lombardi that the Broncos need to make a plan, act accordingly, and be willing to stick with it - this time. Otherwise, they might as well hire me.